I've just finished reading "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter" by Carson McCullers. There's a lovely passage that describes the life we live on the outside, interacting with other people, and the inner life of our mind and heart. One of the characters depicted this duality by describing it as an outside room and an inside room. As she grows from being a child with freedom to explore to functioning more as an adult and getting a job to help support her family, the inner and outer rooms change.

She says, "But now no music was in her mind. That was a funny thing. It was like she was shut out from the inside room. Sometimes a quick little tune would come and go- but she never went into the inside room with music like she used to do. It was like she was too tense. Or maybe because it was like the store took all her energy and time. Woolworth's wasn't the same as school. When she use to come home from school she gelt good and was ready to start working on the music. But now she was always tired. At home she just ate supper and slept and then ate breakfast and went off to the store again. A song she had started in her private notebook two months before was still not finished. And she wanted to stay in the inside room but she didn't know how. It was like the inside room was locked somewhere away from her. A very hard thing to understand."

I have had this feeling and sadness of "losing" the inside room many times over the last few months. But even as I type the passage above, I think there may be some deception there. Surely nothing can separate us from the love of Christ, or from himself, or from our true selves in him. Not work, not tiredness... The passage describes how I feel, but not the truth. It's not the same thing.

Some new poems....

Morning Prayer

Holy Spirit, counsel my heart.
By your great wisdom,
lead me to listen to the One I love.
I will open my mouth;
fill it with good things
that please my Beloved.
Awaken my deep to your deep.


Faint with Love
(from Song of Songs 2:5, 6:3 and Eph 5:32)

Tell him I am love sick.
Tell him I am overcome
by his faithfulness to me.
Tell him I am overwhelmed
by the fervour of his love.

I am my Beloved's
and he is mine.
It is a mystery
(too wonderful to comprehend).

Tell him I am faint with love.
Tell him I am blessed
among women by his wooing.
Tell him I am strengthened
and refreshed by his love.

I can give love
and I can receive love.
It is a mystery
(too wonderful to comprehend).

It has been awhile since I've been able to write. My work is increasing in demands on my time and energy, so I'm having to go to Plan B.... cutting out many normal activities like church leadership meetings, hanging out with friends, my Bookclub, etc for the next 4 months.

I'm tempted to complain (oh, what am I saying, I've already complained about a million times internally). But the Lord has reminded me of 00009ames 1:4 "But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." He's making me like Him - perfect. However, this is the way for me perfected, to be holy as He is holy, and it costs something.

Despite the craziness and pressure that I'm under, there have been some moments of true joy as well. I had the opportunity to minister with Sandie by facilitating a few hours of a women's retreat for another housechurch within our network. What joy to see how beautiful these women are to the Father! And to be used in a small way to bring them to a deeper understanding of their identity. I also attended a women's conference in Michigan with my "Barrow" side of the family. With a cultural and racial mix, I was able to dance before the Lord with ALL my might! I love it when worship gets out of control!! John and I got to spend some quality time talking in the car as well.

These moments of joy remind me of something that Dave Nixon talked about on Easter Sunday. We often feel like God is not coming through on some "deal" for us to have a good life. However, we are not promised in Scripture a life that is anything close to the American Dream. Hardship is promised, trials along with the all-surpassing joy of knowing Him. Dave reminded us that the same Holy Spirit that descended on Jesus after his baptism, that brought that pinnacle moment of intimacy and joy as the Father said to all "this is my Son, in whom I am well pleased", is the same Spirit that led Jesus into the wilderness. The wilderness where he was starving and lonely and tormented.

As Mike Bickle would say, we cannot be offended at the Lord's ways. We must accept the Holy Spirit and his leading to the moments of wonder and the days of wilderness....the myrrh and the frankincense (if you've read my past blogs and poems).