On New Year's Eve, I had gotten a fresh word from the Lord, "Suddenly, a new season". I didn't know if it was for someone else, or for us. I'm thinking it is for us.

Two little parts: "Suddenly" and "a new season". With incredible rapidity, our booming housechurch birthed a new one and then quickly died itself. John and I find ourselves, after a decision to formally close down Identity housechurch, in a position similar to "man without a country". Actually, in a very ironic way, similar to the main character in the movie Terminal, which we just watched last night. Joy and sorrow. Emotion and logic. Thoughts of the flesh battle thoughts of the spirit. Pride in new leadership and new beginnings. Excitement for our own unknown journey. Loss of what has been known.

And with incredible rapidity, John's parents have come to stay off and on in our upstairs apartment. The last few days have been ones of joy and richness for our family.

We're entering a new season.... rapidly. Suddenly, everything has changed.

Now we must put our "money where our mouth is". We choose daily to trust Him. He is an ever-present help in times of trouble. He is our Guide, our Comforter. He knows me and He loves me still. The words of our own VC song echo in my ear, "I will follow You, where You lead me...."

I found a poem from long ago...one that I thought was lost. This prayer seems like one of those books I reread every few years: dog-eared and well loved.

3/16/00
sweet spirit - i believe.
give a language to these groans,
these slippery unformed thoughts.
make flesh and bones of my cries,
that all petitions would be fully formed before
the father's piercing gaze.

o holy light, who placed in me this burning,
may your will be done in each
ripple of man, family, country, world, and the
uttermost of the heavens.
sweep your love across the skies of deaf and dumb,
dreamer, skeptic,
and with it, perfect glory.

Ok, so it has been over two months since I've written. A crazy two months. My precious nephew was born...Xavier Deuteronomy Jones. The huge work deadline that has hung over my head for 9 months of this year has finally come and gone, with success. My sister got a cyst that was huge, had surgery, found out it was benign, and has been recovering for the last 5 weeks. I started working part-time and have been playing "catch up" on the many things in my life that have fallen to the wayside since February.

I have felt myself be distant from myself and God. On Monday night at the House of Prayer, He told me that it is now safe to unpack myself...all those emotions and thoughts that have had to stay somewhere until I had the time to let them out. Today I had a retreat day. Time. I had a few instructions from Him on how to unpack myself...and so it began...a flood of tears and of healing. Grief over what has been lost in the last year, amazement that He is still here, I am not lost, and that the Fortress has been waiting for me.

Here is a section of a Mike Bickel book that I was drawn to today. "I speak this confession to God when I face pain and pressure: I am loved, and I love You; therefore I am successful. I love You even when my love is only in seed form and is still immature. Even though my love is weak, the position of my soul is to be a lover.... Pain drives our soul into the secret place...in that posture of refocusing my soul....It is like a muscle that is worked over and over. My heart keeps enlarging in the absolute truth that I am loved, I am a lover, and therefore, I am successful."

O my Rock, help this truth to go deep.